there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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