the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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