If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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