is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
