Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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