just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
