summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
