is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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