yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
