U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize