stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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