He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize