I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
