atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
we should paint friendship bongs
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