I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
