I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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