I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
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