this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
