Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
