Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
