I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
