you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
