U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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