she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
