I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
