All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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