I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
