You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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