I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
