It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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