Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
