dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
