he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
