Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
