let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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