i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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