I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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