hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
