So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
