i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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