final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
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