If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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