Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
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Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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