??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
even my farts smell like vagina
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
