I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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