you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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