and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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