Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
