I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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