there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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