I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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