So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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