There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize