I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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