What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
