this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
