meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
