I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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