I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
