During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
