he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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