Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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