My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
