Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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