Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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