Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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