I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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